April 2010
50 posts
10 Things To Never Do In a Zombie Movie
10. Believe you are going to make it. Lets face it, zombies are constantly reproducing, don’t age and are hard to kill. Don’t delude yourself into thinking humanity will overcome the evil. Humanity is being eaten by the evil. You’re entire life, however long it is, will be filled with constant fear and anxiety, death and killing. You’re fine when you are younger, but what are the odds of you ...
10 Things To Never Do In a Zombie Movie
9. Go near a window. Windows to a zombie are like meat tenderizers. They cut you when they break through and make the meat nice and soft. This is particularly important for elderly zombies who don’t have their false teeth. A pane of glass is not a feature of a zombie fortress. You can see out, they can see in. They can break through it like tissue paper, grab you and pull you out in seconds....
10 Things To Never Do In a Zombie Movie
8. Believe there is some mythical utopia where the zombies haven’t made it. There are always the groups that decide to migrate to one end of the country or the other, the cold confines of Canada or some fortress in South America where, rumor has it, the zombie plague hasn’t spread. Once again, bull crap. If all of civilization has fallen apart, there is not some glorious section of Idaho that...
10 Things To Never Do In a Zombie Movie
7. Ignore or hide the zombie bite. Sure, no one wants to shot by their compadres, but once you’ve been bitten you can kiss your ass goodbye. It always amazes me when even though they have watched tons of people turn into zombies, no one really notices the guy hiding his bleeding and oozing zombie bite. At best, they ask, “Are you feeling Ok, you don’t look so good.” This is usually followed...
10 Things To Never Do In a Zombie Movie
6. Assume there is only one zombie. Alone, zombies can easily be considered pathetic and almost comical creatures. In Night of the Living Dead, the gun toting hillbillies were hanging zombies and watching them flail and in other movies they are used as target practice and for experiments. There have been so many people who decide to mess with the zombie and end up getting eaten by the 150...
You might be a Zombie Addict if …
5. You are so desensitized to violence and gore that the only thing that can scare you is a marathon of Steel Magnolias and Fried Green Tomatoes. You can’t have a good zombie movie without gore. I mean they are reanimated corpses that are trying to eat you. They are dripping and oozing things, tearing flesh – which always seems surprisingly chewy and rubbery – and all in all just not looking...
10 Things To Never Do In a Zombie Movie
5. The kids aren’t alright. No one wants to believe that little Sally in her Easter dress is actually an undead eating machine, but in reality there will likely be a lot of undead kids. They’re slower, not as smart and are a lot like an afternoon brunch for the zombie crowd. Everyone always assumes the best when they see a little girl walking along down the middle of the street in a dirty,...
You might be a Zombie Addict if …
4. Zombies invade your workspace. Bringing a little zombie love into your cubicle isn’t a bad thing. Who doesn’t have a 12-inch remote controlled zombie on their desk, but if it looks like George Romero exploded in your office, then you may have gone a little bit too far. Virginia the vegan from accounting may not appreciate your flashing neon sign that says “Caucasians, the other white...
10 Things To Never Do In a Zombie Movie
4. Go anywhere alone. I like to call this the Scooby Doo maneuver. You and the rest of the Scooby gang all decide that the best thing to do in this giant creepy house filled with flesh eating monsters is to split up. The other scenario is a person hears or sees something and instead of getting the rest of the group, decides to go check it out on his own. In my opinion, this is survival of the...
You might be a Zombie Addict if …
3. You can rattle off hundreds of zombie movie facts and trivia, but can’t remember basic ideas from high school. It won’t matter if you can pick out Bill Murray in Zombieland, if you think the capital of Montana is Neptune. You don’t have to have a lot of “book learnin,’” but when you jettison common sense items like … Oh, I don’t know … don’t pee myself, for the sake of knowing that...
10 Things To Never Do In a Zombie Movie
3. Go back for that extra item. If the zombies have pretty much taken over everything, we know that food will be in short supply. There will be occasional raids into the city to grab canned goods from the grocery stores. Once you have your boxes of food, don’t go back for that box of Ho Hos or Jack Daniels you saw on your way out. Odds are that by the time you go back in the grocery store...
You might be a Zombie Addict if …
2. You are able to fit “Send more paramedics” into at least 10 conversations per week that don’t involve a medical problem. We all love our Return of the Living Dead one-liners and I routinely use them in conversations, giving rise to raised eyebrows, or in the case of my wife, the dreaded eye roll. If you find yourself inserting this phrase into random conversation, you may be addicted....
10 Things To Never Do In a Zombie Movie
2. Assume the figure you can’t make out in the dark corner is a living human. How many times have we seen this maneuver where the man or the woman enters a darkly lit room and notices a shrouded figure in the corner. Sure, half of everyone you know has been eaten and you know for a fact there are zombies nearby, but they can’t help taking that positive outlook and assuming that that person in...
You might be a Zombie Addict if …
1. Your house looks like a test plot from the Zombie Survival Guide. I think all our hearts skipped a beat when this little tome appeared in bookstores and now every zombie lover worth his salt has a well worn copy of this survival bible next to his bedside – along with Kleenex and lotion. What it’s for blowing your nose and dry hands, get your head out of the gutter. There was at least a...
10 Things To Never Do In a Zombie Movie
1. Take a dip in the pond. If its one thing I have learned by watching movies like House of the Dead and Diary of the Dead, it’s that zombies can eat people in water just as easily as on land. They may not swim like Michael Phelps and win gold medals in the undead Olympics, but an undead hand can grab you and pull you down while the zombies are walking on the bottom of a lake. Also,...
